Thursday, April 16, 2009

Andrea S's Summer Dos and Don'ts


As per request, this entry is Andrea’s Summer Dos and Don’ts, On and Off Campus, 2009. I should preface this by saying I actually think that Summer Dos and Don’ts remain largely the same every year. For example, it is NEVER a good idea to wear shorts that show the bottom of your ass cheeks- in 1980 or 2009. But just in case you haven’t assessed your summer wardrobe since 1980, here is my list of suggestions.

Dos:

Wear Bermuda shorts: long enough to cover your butt, and short enough not to be capris. A win-win, in my opinion, and they come in super fun patterns and colors. (And I am super anti-shorts in general, so this is a big deal for me)

Wear sandals: this is obvious. I really shouldn’t have to say much about this one. Notice, however, that it is also listed in the Don’ts section. Read on.

Play with bright colors: also seemingly obvious, but as someone who has been suffering through the winter that wouldn’t die, this is especially important. I know yellow and orange don’t look good on everyone, but bright blues, greens, and pinks really do. So get some. Accessorize. USE COLOR. Caution: retina-burning colors need not apply. Have some consideration for my eyes.

Fun totes: Everyone who knows me knows that I am a bag whore…or bag lady, either way. I will not deny it. I will also not deny that using a winter bag in the summer is LAME. Dark, sturdy bags are great, and sorta depressing when you are wearing a fun, bright outfit. Target has some great options that are pretty cheap.

Classics: Jeans, Ts, tank tops, sailor inspired clothes (sounds kitschy, but when done right can be awesome…its all about moderation), knee length skirts in fun colors and patterns, fun nail polish on short nails, flower accessories (I’m a GIRL damnit. I know this is a shocker for some. Consider this your informative memo.)

Sunscreen: Please see my bathing suits entry for more of my sunscreen rant. I wear SPF 30 on my face every day, and when you have wrinkles and I don’t, I WILL tell you I told you so.

Don’ts:

As I said before: Teeny tiny shorts are NOT ok. I realize that every heterosexual male that I know is scowling at me right now, but really, its not ok. I don’t give a crap if you have a nice ass. I don’t give a crap how old you are. NOT OK.

Super short skirts- ALSO NOT OK. For the same reasons as above, only worse, now we have to see your arse AND your crotch. Much as I hate to burst your bubble, no one wants to see that. No one.

Sandals: I LOVE, nay, ADORE sandals. I am never quite as happy as when I am wearing flip-flops and watching Ellen scowl at me from the other side of the room. While I do not condone the wearing of flip-flops for most occasions, sandals in general rock. HOWEVER- now read carefully- nasty feet, untended toenails, kitten heeled flip-flops, UGLY ASS hiking sandals, and sandals with a camo print ARE NEVER ALLOWED. No excuses. Just don’t do it. My friend got a Pedi Egg in his Easter basket (a whole other story), and I’m sure he will be more than happy to donate it if your heels need help. Also, if I see you wearing socks with your sandals and you haven’t just had foot surgery- and lets be honest, I will judge first and ask questions later-it will get ugly…uglier than your damn outfit!

Cruise wear: unless you are on a cruise, and even then…really?

Tons of make-up: Nothing screams “I’m old and I’m hoping no one will notice” more than a ton of make-up in the blistering sun. Need skin help? Dial 1-800-DERMATOLOGIST.

Bikini tops instead of bras: I feel like this should never be spoken of again. If I see it, and you are not on the beach sipping a fruity drink that a beautiful young man just brought you, I will FLIP OUT, and then point and laugh at you. I have yet to see this in Chicago (probably because winter wont end), but I’m really hoping that the Midwesterners have more sense/modesty than this. But, I thought they were smarter than my initial impression, and then I found out about DUI on a Motorized Bar Stool Guy in Ohio…so…we shall see.
-Andrea S.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

No, I DON'T want to see your thong, actually


Picture this:
It is Easter Sunday, and I have just spent several hours at the spa celebrating the resurrection of Jesus/bunnies/candy (I'm Jewish, so I am entitled to a certain amount of irreverence for the holiday). For me, it was a rebirth of sorts. And by rebirth I mean that my skin was as smooth as a baby's arse.
I am buffed, polished, scrubbed, and moisturized, not to mention a little tipsy from the free champs and mojitos. I am in a zen state of mind while waiting to pay for said buffing & polishing, when I behold a man outside the spa talking on his cell phone and exposing a very full 6 inches of his red thong. Obviously, I am immediately snapped out of my reverie and into my Oh No He Did NOT Just Lift His Arm Thereby Lifting His Ugly Windbreaker and Expose His Revolting Red Thong Under His Extremely Baggy Cargo Shorts mode.
I am nauseated at this little display. First, there is no reason for him to be wearing a thong. But if that's what floats his, um, boat, so be it. Second, there is no excuse for anyone to actually see his underwear, thong or otherwise, for any reason, while he is in public. If you want to hang out of your clothes at home, have at it, but it is crass and rude and all kinds of nasty to expose your underwear in front of others. Third, and guys, listen closely now, BUY PANTS THAT FIT. Not pants that slide down your non-existent behinds and show innocent bystanders your unmentionables. Seriously, if your shirt and shorts combo isn't enough to cover everything, you are wearing the wrong size. Period.
Anyway, you will be relieved to hear that this episode did not ruin my day, it simply destroyed any last shreds of hope I was clinging to that people can actually dress themselves.

TOTALLY Off Topic: Benching 100 Pounds


Ok, so I don't look like this. Yet.
But yes, I bench pressed 100 pounds today. And even though this is a blog about style and clothes, I am posting this fact because I think it's cool and I want to share it with you, my lovely, well-dressed readers.
So, yeah, my clothes aren't fitting the same way they used to. And sure, several of my dresses had to go into the Goodwill pile recently because they no longer zip over my bust and ribcage. But it's not like I'm huge, I'm just getting- very gradually- a different shape. If that's the price of getting stronger and more muscular, I guess I can live with that. Obviously a post for finding clothes for a (slightly) muscular physique is on my to do list.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

More Jewelry Sites!

...because you know you love them.

Max and Chloe
http://www.maxandchloe.com/
Check out the blu bijoux stuff, especially- fun and affordable. I'm feeling these stacked bangles. Woo hoo.

Fragments
http://fragments.com/
While some of it is pricey, there are good finds to be had, and most of their pieces are awesome...

Rilee and Lo
http://rileeandlo.com/
I'm obsessed with the Melissa Joy Manning rings and this one, above, from Kara Ross.


QVC
http://www.qvc.com/
Snicker if you must, but there are some freaking awesome deals on this site. Double bead necklace for $79.50, anyone? Hammered oval ring for $39? How about this Kenneth Jay Lane floral ring for $59.50? Enough said.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Two Other Blogs to Obsess Over

Two blogs I recommend checking out if you get a chance:

smartandsassyandrea.blogspot.com
The brand, spanking new blog by my little sis, who really is more snarky than sassy, but whatever.

tinyartdirector.blogspot.com
This guy's daughter gives him art assignments and then a critique on his finished product. His daughter is 4, so it's pretty damn funny.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Maybe She is In An Actual Harem?

This is my friend Looch, who is adorable in every way. As all of us with eyes can see, she is wearing- nay, sauntering in- the dreaded harem pants. Sure, the crotch isn't as low as others I've seen, and they aren't in some god awful print. But if we are being honest with ourselves, we can admit that these pants are giving her volume (where she doesn't have any) and a shape that only a pear could envy (and she is much closer to an hour glass in reality). In short, she could do much better. The lesson, ladies? If a cute, size 4 woman can't get away with harem pants, no one else can either.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Summer Clothes are Here Again

The recent sunny, beautiful weather in Northern California puts me in the mood for summer clothes. I have visions of barbecues in the park and wine tasting in Sonoma dancing in my head.

To indulge my summer impulses, I decided to try Boden (bodenusa.com), a UK-based company with some of the most fun-without-being-obnoxious summer colors and prints that I have seen in a long time. Part J Crew preppy, a little bit Anthropologie girlie, their Summer 2009 collection caught my eye. I also had a coupon code for 20% off and free shipping, so I felt fab about giving this place a try.

Being a dress girl, I ordered three dresses and a top:

This color block dress will be awesome with a jacket at work.



I have visions of myself in this dress and some sweet wedges at my cousin's bar mitzvah this July.

An ideal work dress in jersey with a pattern that is fun but not loud.

If this silk top fits as well as I hope, I will probably buy it in every color. It is cute and practical enough for day and would be lovely in the evening with sharp pants and heels.

A couple of things to note: 1) all sizes are UK sizes, so check the sizing chart before buying, 2) the website is a little sluggish.

After I receive my order, I will let you know how everything fits and how the quality compares to the prices. And whether I am going to sacrifice myself on the alter of online bathing suit shopping and try out their (pretty freaking cute) bathing suits...

Friday, April 3, 2009

Workout Wear, or Excuse Me but Your Boob Just Hit Me in the Face


Workout wear isn't something I spend a lot of time thinking about, because anything designed to whisk sweat fits squarely into my definition of icky. But if you exercise, the proper attire is imperative.

At the gym, I see all manner of improper attire, including, but by no means limited to, shorts so short I can see your arse cheeks, full on makeup, oversized earrings, and spandex shorts/pants on men (FYI- unless you are in spinning class, this is never ok).

Here is what I advise:

1. Ladies, wear a damn bra, sports or otherwise. Select a bra that actually fits and supports you. It is not only unsightly for the girls to be flopping up and down, but it's actually unhealthy for them. Proper support ensures comfort and discourages Saggy Boob Syndrome.

2. Also for the ladies, if you plan to stretch, do sit ups, etc. wear shorts or pants that actually conceal your business. I have seen an appalling amount of, um, business, at my gym outside the locker room, and it's not even a big, swanky pick up gym.

3. Boys and girls alike, do not show your tush in public. In case you weren't listening, DO NOT SHOW YOUR TUSH IN PUBLIC. Those little shorts you think are so great for running on the treadmill? They are letting it all hang out, and it isn't pretty. I don't give a rat's arse how perky it is, no one wants to see that in public.

4. This should go without saying, but apparently I need to reiterate for the few of you who do not understand hygiene. Wash your gym clothes, people! I can see re-wearing a sports bra once more or maybe even a pair of shorts you didn't sweat much in the first time, but after time number 2, that is IT. Trust me, if you can smell it, so can we. And even if you claim you can't smell anything, we still can. I have asked my gym manager more than once to speak to a gym member whose stench could be (easily) detected from another room. As my li'l sis likes to say, don't be the smelly kid in class.

5. Please know that hiking boots, flats, and flip flops are not gym-appropriate shoes. Seriously, Nike, Reebok, New Balance, etc.- we all know what gym shoes are. The serious lifters wear Converse. But if you look down and see Timberland or Teva or Rainbow shining back at you, get over yourself and get some actual gym shoes.


6. For those of you who hate the gym or all things exercise, wear something other than a giant tee and baggy shorts. It's way more fun to have something a little bit cute on and I am personally more comfortable in something a bit more fitted. I am a fan of Banana Republic tees with Old Navy yoga pants, you can find great stuff at Target, Nike, and discount stores like Ross, too.

7. Locker room etiquette is a topic for another day, but I will say this: the shower is for rinsing off, not your full head-to-toe hair washing/shaving/mole-inspection routine. Maybe early AM gym-goers can get away with this, but at any other time ofthe day, it's just rude.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Trend Review: Harem Pants


Excuse me, but is this a freaking joke?! At what point are pants with dropped crotches fashionable, beyond the cold, hard fact that they are inappropriately weird?
I get that regular pants (i.e., those that do not make you appear that your Depends need changing) can get a bit boring, especially since flourescent Bongos went out in the 90s, but that is why we have skirts, people.
This trend is not permitted on anyone within a 3,000 mile radius of me or anyone else with eyes. These are just beyond disgusting.
No, no- you may NOT wear them in khaki instead of your straight-leg capris. And they do not become acceptable just because you happen to find the one pair that isn't cropped. On what planet do women want their crotches to look longer and wider?
I saw a size zero woman wearing these today and I couldn't keep from starting at that train wreck. After I recovered from my need to give her a sandwich (size zero is tiny, people), I wanted to buy her self-esteem classes so she didn't feel like such a trend whore.

No fuchsia snake, Part 2

So anyway, I discovered the real- or at least, the expensive- fuchsia snake pumps. And they aren't any better than the tacky-as-hell Nine West knockoffs. These babies retail for $595. Shame on Giuseppe Zanotti.