Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy New Year's Eve Eve

I hope you ring in the new year with all of the pomp and circumstance it deserves- very little.  Here's the thing: new year's eve is amateur hour where I live.  People pour into the city in their sluttiest finery, pay exorbitant prices to get into a place where they will then pay even more for watered down drinks.  Over-paying for drinks is one thing, dressing like a huge ho while you do it is another.  If you are going to dress like a slightly above base-level priced hooker, you shouldn't be shelling out your kid's college fund to do so.

Here's what I consider Just Too Slutty for New Year's Eve:

1. T and A
It's tits OR arse, people.  The OR is key here. Showing off some cleavage is fab, if you are covering your crotch and most of your thighs.  And showing a little leg rocks, as long as your girls are all covered up.

2. Sequined Everything
This might be more tacky than slutty, but the two really go hand in hand.  If you wear a sequined dress, your other accessories better be damn subtle.  The sequined shoes, bag, earrings, and tiara?  Get over yourself.

3. Boobs Up To Your Chin
I get it, your girls are perky.  But hoisted up to your chin?  Is slut-tastic.  It's unnecessary and gross and everyone knows damn well that your boobs aren't that high.  So give 'em a rest.

4. Polyester and Spandex
You know who you are. You have one "going out" top from college when you were 25 pounds thinner and 100% sluttier.  And you want to whip it out now and party like it's 1999.  Sorry, people.  It doesn't look like you are still in college and it does look like you bought that top 15 years ago from Forever 21.

5.  Pleather/PVC Anything
Pleather pants, PCV top: just don't do it.

Dress like you deserve those over-priced well drinks- you deserve it!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christian Louboutin!

...I mean, Christmas. 

But seriously, S got me the Christian Louboutin Barbie and I am so excited. 

Because I am entirely comfortable being an adult who not only asked for, but genuinely desired, a doll, I am not going to try to justify this gift.  I will not appeal to your appreciation for collectors items by telling you only 2,400 were made available for purchase online and only 7,700 were produced worldwide, compared to the 1.5 million other Barbies sold each WEEK, according to one source. 

I am not going to appeal to your inner shoe-lover, by telling you that this Barbie has 4 pairs of Louboutins, including a pair of leopard print knee high boots that are amazing, even in miniature (or maybe especially in miniature).  Veterinarian Barbie: your shoes aren't nearly as fabulous; your wardrobe can suck it.

And I will certainly not try to explain how, even though Barbie has been under fire for everything from poor self-esteem and body-image to encouraging young girls to cultivate dumb-ness to attract men, I really like the image- from a style standpoint- of Barbie wearing a black catsuit, so as to showcase the shoes, which are obviously the whole point here.

No, I will merely leave you with this: next time a shoe designer as fabulous as Louboutin does a Barbie collab, I'm first in line.  I may or may not have already signed up on the Barbie collector site so I can be notified of the next one...

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Oops, I forgot my PANTS

This subject has been blogged and tweeted to death.  And yet, the blight of people wearing tights as pants is still upon us.  I do not understand AT ALL why anyone thinks that tights are in ANY WAY a substitute for pants.

Let's break this down, shall we?

1. They are not pants.  They are hosiery.  Nordstrom and Macy's know the difference, why don't you?

Here, let me help you out:

The Random House Dictionary defines pants as  "Sometimes, trouser...a usually loose-fitting outer garment for the lower part of the body, having individual leg portions that reach typically to the ankle but sometimes to any of various other points from the upper leg down."

That same dictionary defines tights as "a skin-tight, one-piece garment for the lower part of the body and the legs, now often made of stretch fabric, originally worn by dancers, acrobats, gymnasts, etc., and later made for general wear for adults and children."

The American Heritage Dictionary defines hosiery as "Stockings, socks, and underclothing." 

As those of you with eyes can see, all of the definitions are DIFFERENT.  They are not the same. Hello?

2. Since hosiery is not the same as other clothing, it is designed and sold for a DIFFERENT purpose.  Just as an example, keeping one's legs warm/comfy/stylish under skirts and dresses.  Pants of course, are designed and sold to cover your arse and legs, while at the same time also (hopefully) making said arse and legs look hot and long, respectively.

Here's the thing: when you wear tights, you are being asked to also wear clothing.  When you wear pants, you are ALREADY wearing clothing.  Ya see what I mean?

3.  You don't look as awesome as you think you do.  Not only do you look like a trend slave, but you don't look pulled together, chic, sophisticated, upscale, or even kind of ok.  You look juvenile. You look like you are copying Lindsay Lohan, which makes me question whether you are a threat to yourself or others.  Your arse doesn't look as great as you think it does.  And mostly, you look like you FORGOT YOUR DAMN PANTS.

4.  There are all kinds of alternatives to the tights-as-pants look that will allow you to keep up with the current trends while maintaining your (obviously erroding) dignity.

There is the denim leggings + tunic look.  This is trendy AND sane.  Score.

There is the dress over tights look.  This is adorable/funky/whatever you want it to be. 

There is the skinny jeans option- these, of course, are actual pants, and therefore can be worn as such while also giving you the tight-covering-on-the-bottom you are clearly seeking.

And finally, there is the WEARING PANTS option.  Sorry, I didn't mean to yell.

5. Every time you wear tights as pants, a kitten dies.

In summary, tights are not pants.  Tights are NOT pants.  Tights are not PANTS.  TIGHTS are not pants.  Tights ARE not pants.

To that end, I recommend checking out  Let's all work together to destroy this scourge on our eyes, our delicate sensibilities- nay, our planet.

Handbag of the Day: Zipped Up Tote

To cleanse your visual palette from the last post (I know, I am still shuddering, too), I present you with this lovely Melie Bianco Zipped Up Tote for $69.99.  It comes in brown and black, has a super fun polka dot lining, and the handle drop looks long enough to go over jackets and coats.  A great one for rainy/snowy days, since it's synthetic vegan.

Are You FREAKING Kidding Me?!

I found this on Regretsy, and it is ACTUALLY BEING SOLD on Etsy.  In fact, there are three in stock, as of my recent check on the seller's page. The seller, "stephaniesimek", describes this monstrosity as "sweet little sleeping eyes."  I'm thinking that anything made with real human hair and meant to be worn around your neck is actually more "Silence of the Lambs" and less "sweet."

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Need to Laugh?

Should you need a laugh, mosey on over to the Net-A-Porter Sale, where you will find the likes of this:

Um, hello, 1992? Your Contempo Casual shorts are calling. And don't worry, they're on sale for $105.

What is this $1,431 (yes, you read that right) embellished tank dress embellished WITH, you ask? No, not gold, diamonds, or the tears of virgins. It's crystal.

This one is just too easy, it makes me wonder if it was put on the site just to be mocked. This little number is $626.50, and is SEQUINED. Because the florescent animal print was too subtle on its own.

This is a lamé-paneled chiffon blouse. It is $633.50. Surely no more needs to be said on this. The fact that it looks like something from Forever 21's club wear section certainly isn't worth mentioning.

There were so many bad pants options, limiting myself here was difficult. These knit pants are $467.50. (Good thing, too, they aren't $468, because no way would I pay an extra 50 cents for these.)

Check out this Site

You MUST check out, about the ridiculous and gross handmade stuff on Etsy (which is a site I love and where I find something I want at least 12 times a day). I especially love the Advent Calendar post...

Handbag of the Day: Roundup

Today's Handbag of the Day is actually several- there were too many good ones on sale at Piperlime for me to pass them up (official sale prices start Sunday):

I know, I know- it's shameless self promotion from MJ, but I can't help loving this tote. It's $129.99, which is high for a canvas tote, but I still love it, for all of its rugged/utilitarian-yet-stylish-ness.

This Francesco Biasia Emily IV comes in purple ($169.99), blue and brown (both $149.99). This is a STEAL for this brand, not to mention it's lined in suede. Delish.

This Tano bag is $169.99 and is a little bit bad girl rocker chic, which might be why it's called Mona Lethal. I love all of the pockets and the contrasting colors.

This ridiculous little travel pouch from See by Chloe comes in blue and pink, and as much as I don't go for the cutsie stuff, I am sorely tempted to buy this for $39.99. It looks like the perfect size to pop in my bag or suitcase.

P.S. If you check out the sale, you'll see several other Handbag of the Day picks at reduced prices- yippee!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Check Out This Fab Accessories Site

This site is just too aesthetically pleasing to keep to myself:

Sure, the cashmere throws are over $1000 (!!!), but the fingerless gloves, change purses, and scarves are affordable and fun to browse.

A pair of flats won't kill you, I swear

After you've opened your Christmas/Channuka/Kwanzaa gifts this year, you can get back to the task at hand: finding awesome flats. This is your mission, whether or not you choose to accept it.

For my lovely readers who cling shamelessly to their heels, I will say this: sometimes the situation calls for flats. You know it's true- there has been that brunch/park outing/afternoon of shopping when you've thought, just for a few tiny moments, that flats might just work better for ya. Fear not- there ARE flats that even a heel-lover like myself can get on board with.

Behold: 10 Flats It Won't Kill You to Consider

Spring Usrey flats for $29.98. Rarely has a synthetic shoe caught my eye like this one. The pointed toe keeps the line flattering, and the zipper detail keeps the look from being too precious.

Banana Republic Prya rosette flats are $98, but we all now they'll be on sale soon enough. Long after the holidays are over, you'll still want to wear these out and about for day or night.

For something a little ridiculous, try the Naughty Monkey Thin Ice flats for $70. The animal print and contrasting yellow stripe might just be what you need to dress up drab winter outfits and these will carry you into spring.

I'm sure I've mentioned these Steve by Steve Madded studded flats before, so now's your chance to get on the bandwagon. They are on sale for $89.99 and they are a perfect alternative to heels for a night out.

A shot of electric blue for $29.99? Check. This is the Rocket Dog Memories flat, and with the knotted bow accent and divine color it's a steal.

If kitschy is your game, try these BC Footwear Escalator flats for $49.95. They come in two color combos.

I'm pretty much in love with these Seychelles Thin Ice Flats. They are $79.95 and have just the right amount of detailing to keep them interesting without being over the top. Plus, the color is one of the most versatile you'll find.

For something a little sweet and office appropriate, check out these nude bow pumps for $32.50.

Here are some cheeky little shoes for the office for $65.00. The shape and color keep them conservative, but the off-kilter button makes them just a tad playful.

Last, but most certainly not least, are these Gabriella Rocha Lolla flats for $59.95. In lipstick red suede, they are stunners. And with the teeniest bit of toe cleavage allowed, they are even a little bit sexy.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Product Review: Stiruppz

I have been using Stiruppz for several weekends in a row and I can now officially report on their awesomeness. They kept my skinny jeans AND my denim leggings securely tucked into my boots and I barely noticed I was wearing them. They didn't damage my clothes- I don't think they even left indents in my leggings. For $25 they are well worth it.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Santa Pets: Pro or Con?

I used to be firmly on the side of Dressing Your Pets Like People Is Gross. Since my introduction to icanhazcheezburger and Bumble Steve (he's on Facebook but there are some great pics on this blog), I have gotten over my aversion to dressing up animals for our amusement. I still think the animals aren't into it, but I think I can stand that as long as they aren't being hurt (you know, besides their probable feelings of shame and disgust).

Are you pro or con dressing up pets? This santa cat is pretty cute, people. So's this guy:

Monday, December 7, 2009

Boots + Shorts = FUGLY

I'm not gonna lie to you: I think boots with shorts is a terrible look.

(Actually, I think the whole shorts-instead-of-pants-or-a-skirt is ridiculous, since I think shorts are reserved for hot summer days when traveling or throwing on over your bathing suit at the beach, but I digress.)

Shorts + boots/booties/furry abominations AKA Uggs = FUGLY.

I realize that many of you would like an explanation of my disgust, to which I must respond: tough noogies. My venom for such a juvenile, trashy, sloppy look is deep-rooted and irrational. I cannot express it clearly.*

I will say the following by (lousy) way of explanation:

1. It reminds me of something vaguely athletic, and we know how inappropriate that is when not on a field, court, or track. Please see Exhibit A:

2. It reminds me of the revolting Southern-California-Girl-Bullshit that inspires people to do this:

3. Basically, this "Sloppy and Wishing I Was Still 16 So I Could Get Away With It" look says it all for me:

To sum up, do everyone a favor and wear some pants or a skirt (one that covers your arse, preferably) when wearing your boots. Believe me, you and everyone with eyes will be glad you did.

*And no, adding tights under your shorts and boots does not change anything.

Handbag of the Day: Black Satchel

I'm a sucker for a sharp black bag with gold tone hardware. This is the Steve by Steve Madden Metal of Honor Satchel and it's on sale for $179.99 (from $248). It has a long strap and handles, is all leather, and some good inside pockets. If you want/need/yearn for a new winter bag, this one's pretty awesome and a pretty good deal.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Check out my guest post on The Fashion Police

I have been published as a guest blogger on one of my favorite blogs of all time: The Fashion Police. And on one of my favorite topics of all time. Check it out.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Gift Watch 2009

If you haven't noticed, I have recently become a TEENY BIT obsessed with Twitter. So, my Gift Watching has been done that way for the last week or two. Handily, my recent tweets (yeah, I think it's weird to call them that, too) can be found in the right column of this very page. Woo hoo.

For those of you who are morally opposed to/annoyed by/just don't wanna tweet or follow such things, I present to you an Official But Not Comprehensive Gift Watch Summary Thus Far:

1. For the entertainer and/or sweets lover on your list check out

2. Super fun and affordable ring at

3. For the Star Wars fan on your list, this ($132!) bangle will make them proud:

4. This sweet cupcake lip balm 4 pack is $10

5. Find INSANELY adorable (without being kitschy!) jewelry at

Need a gift idea? Get her this wallet (only $38!) and slip in a couple of gift cards...

This make up set just looks fun to play with:

These wool-cashmere gloves with buttons are so cute!

9. Consider signing up for an
Amazon Prime account-the 2 day free shipping on almost everything more than pays for itself during the holidays, at least for me...

Free shipping @ J Crew on $150 or more (let's face it: hitting $150 is no problem on that site). Enter code HOLIDAY

Her pieces run on the pricey side but they are gorgeous, unique and fun:


I love, love, LOVE this detailed and nature-inspired jewelry with a dark side. It's well priced, too!

14. This
cloisonné jewelry is amazing:

Crate and Barrel has some pretty fun under $25 & under $50 stuff:

Who doesn't love a cashmere scarf? Lots of options at Nordstrom for under $100.

And, now, for your Feel Good Link of The Day...
31 ways to help others this season: