Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy New Year's Eve Eve

I hope you ring in the new year with all of the pomp and circumstance it deserves- very little.  Here's the thing: new year's eve is amateur hour where I live.  People pour into the city in their sluttiest finery, pay exorbitant prices to get into a place where they will then pay even more for watered down drinks.  Over-paying for drinks is one thing, dressing like a huge ho while you do it is another.  If you are going to dress like a slightly above base-level priced hooker, you shouldn't be shelling out your kid's college fund to do so.

Here's what I consider Just Too Slutty for New Year's Eve:

1. T and A
It's tits OR arse, people.  The OR is key here. Showing off some cleavage is fab, if you are covering your crotch and most of your thighs.  And showing a little leg rocks, as long as your girls are all covered up.

2. Sequined Everything
This might be more tacky than slutty, but the two really go hand in hand.  If you wear a sequined dress, your other accessories better be damn subtle.  The sequined shoes, bag, earrings, and tiara?  Get over yourself.

3. Boobs Up To Your Chin
I get it, your girls are perky.  But hoisted up to your chin?  Is slut-tastic.  It's unnecessary and gross and everyone knows damn well that your boobs aren't that high.  So give 'em a rest.

4. Polyester and Spandex
You know who you are. You have one "going out" top from college when you were 25 pounds thinner and 100% sluttier.  And you want to whip it out now and party like it's 1999.  Sorry, people.  It doesn't look like you are still in college and it does look like you bought that top 15 years ago from Forever 21.

5.  Pleather/PVC Anything
Pleather pants, PCV top: just don't do it.

Dress like you deserve those over-priced well drinks- you deserve it!

1 comment:

Tex said...

HAHAHAHA! Great post. Especially number 4.