When Ellen asked me to be a “guest blogger”, I was skeptical, and flattered. I consider myself hilarious, but you never know if that will translate well in cyberspace. So here it goes.
I live in Chicago, home of the endlessly funny Jen Lancaster (if you’re reading this, I want to be your friend) and outrageously long winters. However, in normal (read: Cali and the Bahamas) parts of the world, beach season has already begun! So it is with a twinge of sadness that I propose we discuss beachwear, even though it will not be useful for me for another month and a half. (Who walked through ankle deep snow and slush and dodged falling ice chunks three days before April? Oh, that would be me.)
Let me just put this out there up front: I hate shopping for bathing suits, and I almost never get excited about being in one in a public place. That being said, I have found that it really doesn’t have to be a painful experience, and that bathing suits can be the topic of some really interesting conversations.
First, we will start with Andrea’s Rules for Bathing Suits and Cover Ups, in which I will shamelessly steal the ideas of my friends, whom I polled and questioned relentlessly.
Andrea’s Rules for Bathing Suits and Cover Ups:
1. Buy the bathing suit in your actual size. This really shouldn’t be necessary to say, and yet every time I am at the beach or a public pool I see women (and some men) in bathing suits that are WAY too small. I know it’s not fun to see the size or admit that you might need an underwire in your bathing suit. But for the sake of those around you, PLEASE remember that it’s just a tag, and what’s important is how you look and feel in it! (And what Ellen and I think, obviously.)
2. Tankinis are not necessarily the answer for bikini-phobes. I have mixed feelings about tankinis, though I find the word really amusing to say repeatedly. They are always cute on little girls. Backless tankinis are a HUGE no-no. Bandeau tankinis are also a no-no in my book. Uni-boob AND possible hip pudge?! EEW. When they are sufficiently roomy, are in fun colors, and actually cover the areas you are trying to avoid showing in a bikini, then I am all for it. Proceed with caution.
3. Things that are Unacceptable at All Times, Anywhere: thongs (I don’t care where you are from or how nice your ass is, save it for your private Jacuzzi), mesh (eew), teeny tiny shorts used as a “cover up” that might as well be undies, high heels at the beach, super exposed boob/nipples (I have big boobs, I appreciate showing a little boob, but really people, sometimes it just gets out of hand), socks with sandals, heavy make-up at the beach or pool, tanning lotion (more on this later), and VAC (visible ass crack) (again, this should be obvious, but apparently it is not).
4. Cover ups- use them. Again, no mesh, don’t wear all black, mu mus are unnecessary, and for the love of all things fashionable, do not wear ripped denim anything. I am a big fan of Capri-style pants- I have some great ones that I think are meant for yoga that I found at Old Navy. They come in fun colors, are flattering and weather appropriate, and are really durable. Sarongs are fun too, especially if they are in bright solids or not-too-Key West prints. Sundresses are also great- but the kind with tube tops or bandeau tops generally look like crap and/or make you look preggers (which of course is fine if you really are). Board shorts are cute and sporty, but be careful that you don’t get them too long, or you end up looking like a confused basketball player.
5. Boob support- just do it. Even if you have tiny boobs, there is simply ZERO excuse to have them flopping about while you are in a swimsuit. I am not an expert on bikinis, but I am certain bikinis with appropriate coverage and support exist for all shapes, sizes, and styles. In: athletic friendly bathing suits. Out: Playing beach volleyball and giving Spring Breakers a free show.
6. Wear sunscreen. I repeat: WEAR SUNSCREEN. Aside from obvious cancer risks, there is nothing that is less attractive than sun-wrecked skin and super wrinkly chest/boobs/skin. I am all for aging gracefully, and this is the best way to do it. Target has some great sales on sunscreen right now (in Florida anyway), so there's no excuse. Also, SPF 5, 8, 10, or any other such ridiculousness DOES NOT COUNT. Healthy sun-kissed tan is pretty, but lobster is not. (Aloe people, use ALOE. I invested in an aloe plant when I lived in LA, and it definitely paid for itself before it died.)
7. Hairiness is NOT ok. Please shave, wax, do whatever you need to do. I realize that everyone has different theories and opinions on body hair, but when it comes to bathing suits, it's just gross. Also, nasty feet and bacne are equally as unacceptable.
So there you have the basics. If you have questions, do please ask before you walk onto the beach sporting mesh covered saggy boobs. Your fellow beach goers thank you.
-Andrea S.
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