A Letter

Dear Macy's,

I registered for several wedding gifts at your store because you happen to be a national retailer of several items I feel I cannot live without.  Namely, the Dyson and a fancy espresso maker.  Never mind that I don't vacuum or drink coffee, I'm sure I can find others to make good use of such items.

When I registered for these things, I was added to your email list.  Since then, I have received no fewer than 37 million emails each week offering discounts on items I either have or have not registered for, as well as encouragement to tell my guests that they can save a certain % off the gifts I have requested.

Now, I'm not going to lie and say I don't really want any of the swag on the registry.  But I'm not quite sure what you mean for me to do about the sale and special offers.  Am I supposed to forward them to my guests with a little note saying "Just in case you want to buy us something!"?  Or perhaps I am supposed to post the sales on our wedding site?  Surely you don't expect me to call people with the exciting news that they could be taking advantage of 25% off plus free shipping if they just act now?

It occurs to me that maybe you think I will just buy the stuff for myself.  Not to be a brat, but why would I do that when someone else might get it for me?  Do you think, perhaps, that is what a wedding registry is for?

I also must add that the registry process in person is the slowest, most obnoxious experience ever.  My consultant (we'll call her Daffy) was beyond meticulous.  Daffy encouraged us not to add or alter anything online, but we should go through her for everything.  But here's the thing: she took FOREVER.  I could have added 4 times the number of items to my registry in the time it took her to set everything up.  Why the HELL would I consider going back for more?

Also, the stuff people typically register for was on like 4 different floors.  That's inconvenient and beyond annoying, in case you were wondering.

Today's email, titled "Bonus Soup Bowl Event + Free Shipping - the savings continue" made me wonder if the end of the world was drawing near.

First of all, whoever is in charge of naming these sales is obviously a total douche.  I'm not an expert on overpriced crap people don't need in their kitchens or dining rooms, but I'm guessing that getting a free soup bowl doesn't rise to the level of an "event".

Second, I am pretty much over the emails generally.  The first thing I receive from you on a Monday morning should not be a message telling me, yet again, to ask people to buy me stuff.

Third, is it really necessary to inform me about sales on stuff I didn't even register for?  Surely there is a way to link my registry to the items that go on sale so at the very least I am only being informed about stuff I actually told you I want?

No?  Too hard?  Well, then why don't we just call it quits.  I'm sick of you cluttering up my inbox with meaningless drivel and I'm sure you don't want to catch wind of the badmouthing of you that I've been doing since I registered.

You may consider this my "unsubscribe" request.  Hopefully it takes you less than 6 months to process it.

Ellen