Let's Talk About...

Sexy clothes in the office.

Sure, I COULD stand here on my soap box and criticize, chastize, and berate those of you showing STOMACH (are you freaking kidding me?!) at the office or more than a little thigh.

But I will not.

I will, instead, take the high road and merely guide you, you lost little lambs.

The fact that I even find this post necessary is already disturbing enough. Just because you found your inner recessionista and you can shop low-budget with the best them doesn't mean the discount clothes don't have to fit. For god's sake.

Here are my mandates- I mean, "suggestions":

1. Any stomach is too much stomach. This means you should be able to do your entire job without showing any stomach. Yes, this means you should be able to reach a file above your head without flashing your (ubiquitous) butterfly tattoo to anyone.

2. The same goes for bum. If I could even POSSIBLY see any part of your arse, your pants/skirt/dress is too short or sits too low on your hips. Seriously, unless you are a plumber...well, you know.

3. Not so high on the thigh. Every office has a slightly different take on skirt length, but they are all in the same ballpark: don't show too much thigh. If you are concerned about your bum being covered when you sit or bend, then your skirt is too short. Period.

4. Lose the stripper heels. I heart my heels, but if they are too high (over 5 inches), too loud (hot pink with silver trim), or too cheap (hello, clear plastic or anything that lights up), then they do not belong at the office.

5. Under no circumstances should anyone be able question whether you are showing too much cleavage. If you have to ask, then it's too much. A low(er) v-neck is fine if a) you wear a cami underneath, or 2) it doesn't show cleavage. If you need a number, I'll give you a 1: that is, 1 inch of cleavage is your absolute max.

I will repeat: If you have to ask, then it's too much.

6. Super tight is not attractive. Your body hugging LBD might score you shots at the local dive, but come ON. Are you really trying to get promoted that way? It's trashy and beneath you, so just stop it immediately.

If you haven't figured out the difference between fitted and tight, please just tell me and I will be most happy to enlighten you. A few guidelines, in the meantime: It is too tight if a) you can't breathe, b) your circulation is cut off, c) you are afraid of seams ripping when you move, or d) people cringe when they see you.

I know this might seen obvious to many of you. There are so many women who dress inappropriately, however. Too sexy is just as bad as, if not worse than, too sloppy, too trendy, etc.