Friday, June 26, 2009

Your Closet Profile: Denim

There is a lot of demin in the world. Some of it is glorious, must-have, and extremely useful. Some, not so much. For fun and instructional purposes, I have divided the wonderful world of denim into two categories:

Fo Sho!

Trouser, skinny, boot cut, flare... These are a classic American staple, and you should already own several pairs.

Here is my Decree for All Ladies in the Land: You should, at all times, own two pairs of jeans that fit well. If you only wear flats, make sure they are both hemmed for flats. If you only wear heels, make sure they are both hemmed for heels. If you wear both, like me, one pair should be hemmed for heels, the other for flats.

Avoid at all costs: intense whiskering, rips in the crotch/arse areas, rhinstones, and embroidery- all are FUGLY.

Jean Jacket
Don't lie, you know you own one. The boxy ones are pretty 80s, but there are more fitted and streamlined versions all over.

Avoid at all costs: the denim suit. A denim jacket with jeans is a no no.

Denim Skirt
Love these. Mostly.

At their best, they are a cute, casual, flattering way to wear a skirt. At their worst, they are long, rhinstoned, flared, tie-dyed, or ruffled. Stick to something knee-length(ish),
A-line/straight/pencil, without embellishment, and you will not go wrong.

As If!
Demin Shoes
Denim shoes are unacceptable 100% of the time. Since there are no exceptions to this rule, there should be no need for me discuss something so distasteful any further.

If you disagree with me, then you will just have to live with yourself being That Clueless Woman Who Thinks She's Hip but Is Missing The Mark By a Mile. You know who you are.

Denim Purses
Why would you wear something that has an actual crotch?

Even when you find one without a crotch or bum, these are not ok. They are a little hippie, a little cheap, a little country, and a lot ugly as hell.

Denim Vests
These are a little Suburban Mom/Country Singer for me, but I could see someone rocking a tight vest over a long-sleeved black tee. So while I personally can't stand these, I am open to the possibility of a FEW of them not being quite as hidious as I think they are.

Denim Dresses
This dress is from hell. Or maybe just the 80s.

Structured denim dresses (don't lie, you know you had a button-down denim shirt dress) had their moment in the 90s. The 90s are over. So unless you want to look like a throwback to a time when the Gap was actually pretty cool, you will avoid these.

Denim Shirts
Don't be the Ass Wearing The Denim Shirt. Just don't.

If you work with horses, on a farm, or in a paint studio, then perhaps this is work wear. If you do not work in any of those places, you are just an ass.

Denim Jumpsuits
That these are horrible should go without saying. That you will look like you are just trying too hard might not be as obvious. But as with many, many trends, this one just looks silly, even if your body is as slammin' as the model's...

She might be hot, but she still looks stupid.

Overalls (of the skirt, shorts, or pants variety) are reserved for farmers and children under 10. There are no exceptions to this, so if you have any, now is the time to say goodbye.

1 comment:

Mira said...

Don't forget the pregnant ladies. Overalls are great for them too. Lord knows there's no need for a waistline when you're a blimp...