Frankenshoes, or Why The 70s Resurgence Has Gone Too Far

Unless you live in a cave, you have noticed the 70s having another round in fashion.

I have been supportive of flares (they balance out your hips and elongate your legs!), flowy blouses (concealed muffin top, check!), and even the giggle-inducing pussy bow blouses (which also had a moment in the 80s).

But when I walked into my beloved Nordstrom shoe department and saw this:

I was DONE.

They have a 2 inch concealed platform, a huge, chunky heel, and uppers from hell:

Pretty sure Elton John has several pairs of these. 

A salesman approaches me and asks "How are you today?" insincerely. 

"I'd be better if I wasn't ACTUALLY IN 1974." I scream gnash respond politely.

He informs me that they sell "really well" to women of "all ages" and "they look better on the foot."

Right.  Because any self-respecting woman would try these on:

Um.  I just realized why clowns scare me. 

Nearby, one woman posited that drag queens would be all over these, but they must be the only ones. "Phew," I'm thinking.  "I get the costume angle." Her friend reported that biological women all over NYC are wearing them, unfortunately.

Great.  Can't wait to see women all over the greater bay area tottering around- and breaking ankles- in these:

People, those aren't even the worst ones.  Remember splatter paint and puffy paint?  Don't worry, you can have that on your frankenshoes, too:

I am sorry to say that the "toned down" versions aren't any better.  Solid colors or neutrals do not save this hideousness:

Nope.

Also a no:

By this point, I was going blind. 

I moved on, trying to repress the bile and focus on another shoe display, when I stumbled upon the Uggs table.  That was my cue to GET OUT WHILE I STILL CAN.  Clearly I had entered a Fugly Shoes Only Zone and could not escape unless I put on blinders and proceeded quickly to the nearest exit. 

Nordstrom Buyers, I hope you are cringing.  You are purveyors of taste, not just what sells.  Either you don't care or your taste has taken a guttural plunge.  Either way, you should be embarrassed.