Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Size Banana

[Disclaimer: if you don't understand the words "farce", "humor", or "sarcasm", stop reading now.]

I was talking with my friend S today about how certain brands seems to have size inflation.  Yes, like grade inflation.  Vanity sizing is abundant and making things even more confusing for women to buy clothes.

The Gap is one of the worst offenders- a size 4 pant fits what is a more standard size 8 body and then stretches, eventually fitting more like a 10 or 12.  WTF?

This makes buying clothes online particularly crap-shootastic.  And I am sick of it.

The conversation/ranting/chest pounding about numbered sizes not being standard has been had.  But no real solutions have been offered.  Women are offended by what certain numbers seem to imply and the clothing industry has made ZERO effort to standardize anyway.  Even jeans, which you'd think would be easier given the standard waist sizes, aren't easy to buy. 

My solution?  Introducing the new Fruit & Animal Sizing System (FASS).

Why not start with something women have been conditioned to identify with?  Most women know whether they're considered an apple or pear, a sexy panther or a fluffy bunny.  Surely going further couldn't possibly be more damaging- and won't be nearly as confusing.

And it's just as random as the numbers.

Pygmy Hippo: formerly size "small".  Can't be offensive because if you are that skinny, who cares what animal you are?  You obviously have no body issues because being skinny makes everyone happy.

Banana: formerly a size "medium".  Inoffensive because who doesn't like bananas?  Implies that you are curvy, but in a slim, carrying your own wrap kind of way.  And yellow is so cheerful.

Apple: formerly a "figure flattering shape".  Meant to conceal your tummy and emphasizes the waist.  Apples are healthy and contain more vitamin C than oranges.  Take that, citrus.

Orangutan A, B and C: formerly European sizes "1, 2, and 3".  These clothes are meant for people that everyone knows are skinnier than them anyway. 

Pear: formerly a "curvy on the bottom shape."  Typically used for bathing suit and pant shopping, now this size spans the gamut from tunics to flip flips. Because you will obviously need some support for that itty bitty waist and round thing in your face.

Snow Leopard: formerly size "large."  Everyone knows snow leopards are strong and powerful.  Can't catch a goat on the side of a mountain if you are the size of a pygmy hippo.

Turtle: formerly "plus sizes".  Inoffensive because it's obvious that you want to hide your curves under oversized polyester tunics and baggy jeans and don't want any of the same options that Pygmy hippos, bananas, or Snow Leopards have.

Watermelon: formerly "petite sizes".  Because you are just so short and cute and hopefully seedless.

Please note the FASS is an evolving system.  With time, I hope to encapsulate every possible shape and size so that buying clothes is not only easier, but way more fun.  And obviously less confusing than numbered waist/inseam/rise measurements could ever be.

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